Biddy Reassures Freshmen: “All of you belong here, except for the one idiot we let in as a joke.”


AMHERST, MA – “You’ll know when we hand you your diploma, because it’ll have a big fucking smiley sticker where my signature should be,” said President Martin at the President’s Welcome for Students, Families & Guests on last Tuesday. According to the Office of Admissions, 491 students were enrolled to the Class of 2022 – 492 if you count the doofus that got by because they thought it’d be funny.

This revelation came as a shock to many students, especially those insecure enough to worry that they might be the dumb idiot. “I know I’m not a legacy kid, but it wouldn’t be me, right?” asked Ronald McCormack ’22 nervously. “When I studied clowning, I thought it would add to my portfolio,” he added. Others have taken the high road, including Jesse Steves ’22, saying, “Look, even if I’m the joke admission, at the end of the four years, they can’t take away the knowledge I’ve gained at the school. Especially the knowledge that one of my classmates only got in because their application was dumb enough to give the admissions team a big hoot.”

“We welcome all kinds of people to Amherst,” continues President Martin in her address, “but, again, I just want to give a huge, warm welcome to the jester who doesn’t belong.”