Sign Outside Val Confirms: There is a Concert Tonight

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AMHERST, MA – Live music lovers rejoice! There is a concert tonight, now and forever. All you need to know are the Five W’s: what when what when and when. What? A concert. When? Tonight.

As physics professor Jonathan Friedman excitedly explained, because of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle we may know if a concert is happening, and the time of said concert, but never both at once. “This is what makes The Concert Tonight so unusual,” said Professor Friedman. “I’ll be there.”

The Concert Tonight, strategically advertised just outside the dining hall, has been a useful talking point for tour guides broaching the subject of the social scene at Amherst. “Amherst students do still like to party,” said head tour guide Albert Plackard ’18 with a wink as he led his tour group past Valentine. “As you can see, there’s a concert tonight.” Asked by a prospective student who would be performing, Plackard responded, “it’s tonight.”

Dean of Concerts Tonight Hannah Fatemi eagerly handed out Mardi Gras beads and Concert Tonight-themed sunglasses in advance of the much-anticipated and much- tonight concert. “Concerts can heal the social divides that plague this campus,” she remarked, “especially the one tonight.”

Others are less enthused. “It’s not for me,” lamented a wistful Bill Pritchard. “I remember when the concert was still yesterday.”