Pop Star Offers Inspirational Words to Friends Back Home


AMHERST, MA – During her most recent performance, Chelsea Cutler had the opportunity to speak to the crowd of her former classmates. In this moment, Chelsea did something incredible. She told a satirical newspaper at a small liberal arts college to go fuck itself. “She had the floor to talk about truly anything,” says Natasha Mendez ‘19. “My friends and I stood in anticipation of a Cardi B-esque call out, you know, something like: ‘Amherst College is the littest.’ But in an act of sheer bravery she paused for a brief moment towards the beginning of her set, took a swig from her Poland Spring, and was daring enough to call out the Muck-Rake, Biddy, and something about her leg.”

Cutler’s escape from Amherst into semi-superstardom has provided a source of inspiration and hope for a student body trapped in a grey fantasy world. Others, however, remain unfazed. “We’re just happy to be here,” said The Main Squeeze.