Today, at 12:38pm, President Biddy Martin issued a statement summarizing the state of the college as her office prepares for one of the biggest capital campaigns in the history of the institution. It read:
Formatting is Off
Sent from my iPad
This abrupt change in policy sent shockwaves through the president’s administration and the wider world of higher education as her already loosely-formatted staff members rushed to control the possible damage.
Dean of the Faculty Catherine Epstein was quick to react, assuring anxious thesis writers in a hastily convened press conference that formatting will not remain permanently off and is expected to return by the end of the week. A full service report from Jennifer Fite, promised Epstein, is imminent.
The Board of Trustees likewise issued a statement soon after the all-campus blast reassuring potential donors that despite this abrupt change in formatting, “the margins of the capital campaign would remain as discussed.” Chief of Student Affairs and Dean of Evil Deeds, Susan Covfefe, offered no comments on the incident.
The international diplomatic community fears this latest outburst from an already chaotic administration is a further indication of Amherst’s intentions to build a Modern Times New Roman Empire, with this surprise move being the first in Martin’s 12-pt plan. Especially damning are the implications for Amherst’s nationally competitive soccer programs, with Coach Justin Serpone reportedly ceasing varsity recruitment in response to the cessation of all headers AND footers.
Meanwhile, Apple, Inc. has hailed President Martin’s decision, calling her use of the iPad a “decisive moment” and “a major win.”
On campus, however, the atmosphere remains extremely tense. Only hours after Martin issued her polarizing statement, Muck-Rake reporters observed a column of black smoke billowing from the chimneys of the Writing Center. While there is little direct evidence of Martin’s collusion with hostile rival colleges, today’s events, in tandem with the unexpected closure of the Writing Center’s satellite consulate in Grosvenor House, seem to suggest foreign influences at play.
Though it remains to be seen how today’s watershed moment will affect the capital campaign and last name pronunciation at commencement, one thing is certain, beyond all shadow of a doubt: fOrma t ing ; iS? ofF