AMHERST, MA – In order to prove that Amherst students can take care of themselves without a stricter party policy, the Amherst Football team made a solemn vow to promote regular hydration, encourage members to count their drinks, and to beat any freshman stupid enough to get wasted within an inch of their pathetic life. “We just want to make it clear that we as a team, and really in a way as an entire school, aren’t going to stand for this anymore,” said Brock “The Walking Talking Sack Machine” Mckenzee ‘18.
Since they’ve begun their campaign, not a single Freshmen has been sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, but dozens have been sent for broken limbs and non functioning faces. “It feels good to make such a huge difference,” yelled Rick ‘19 into our reporter’s delicate ears as he grabbed his collar and held him against a wall. “We’re just trying to build a better world where you can safely throw a keg through your window and not have to worry about hitting some stupid passed out Freshman,” he continued to scream.
Although the administration refuses to comment on the situation at this time, several students have claimed to have seen Biddy Martin and Suzanne Coffey watch and cheer on several of the beatdowns.
“Yeah it was definitely them, there’s no mistaking those two,” insisted a source who asked to remain anonymous in fear of retribution from Biddy. “Out of everyone there, they looked the most excited. Biddy kept yelling out ‘Worldstar’ but it wasn’t clear she knew what it meant. Suzanne just couldn’t stop laughing. When they noticed me staring, Biddy whispered something to Suzanne and then made a quick throat slitting gesture. I’m honestly in real fear for my life here.”