The Muck-Rake’s Guide to the New Party Policy

umbridge coffey

The Chief Student Affairs Officer pictured here in front of her new policy. Yes, our reference pool comes exclusively from movie adaptations of children’s books.

 

The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.

  • You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.

 

  • Drinking  games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.

 

  • Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.

 

  • You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
    • Half a crushed can of keystone light
    • A mole of wine
  • For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.

 

  • A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.

 

  • The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
  • Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.

 

  • No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.

 

  • No talking.

 

  • If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.

 

  • If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.

 

  • Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.

 

  • No Music,  unless it is on the approved song list:

Approved Songs

“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner

“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas

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