The following is courtesy of The Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning.
January 21, 2018
Director of Operations
2486 4th Avenue
Effective immediately, my name is Smith Johnson. I hope this letter finds you well, effective immediately. I am reaching out to express my sincere and effective interest in your immediately posted opening for associate effectivity analyst. I am effective and immediately qualified to assume this position, which I will do with relish, zeal, and effective immediately. As an economics and Spanish double major, I have the sincere and immediate qualifications necessary to effectively fulfill the duties of this position, and to do so with immediate effectiveness. In addition to my sincerely immediate academic capabilities, I bring to the table upwards of one years of extracurricular experience, with effective immediacy, effective immediately.
Dear future employer: We have now reached the point in my cover letter in which I grant you three wishes. I hope this finds you well. Please note that given the way I work, the wishes will be granted effective immediately. When I was young, it was immediately apparent that my head was just too big. The boys in school used to taunt me, “Fatty fat head dummy dumb, fatty fat head effective immediately!” I have been effective immediately ever since. Now you might wonder: what is the moral of this tale? The moral of this tale is do not wish for more wishes.
Thanks again. My qualifications should be immediately apparent. Let me give you an example. I am allergic to nothing. But YOU are now allergic to wheat. It is permissible to use one of your wishes to reverse your gluten intolerance, and while I cannot guarantee effectiveness on this matter I can guarantee that if you eat bread your colon will be effective immediately.
Thanks again. I hope this point of my cover letter in particular finds you well. May you build a ladder to the stars and may you stay forever young, effective immediately.
Sincerely immediately, S.J.