Amherst, MA – As part of their pre-finals programming, the Office of Student Activities is hosting a team of massage therapists wholly unequipped to alleviate the months of crippling stress your body has experienced.

“This will be a great way to help students relax [though there’s no real possibility that a massage will undo the physical tolls of a semester’s worth of panic],” stated one administrative representative.

“I’m just happy I can help,” said one masseuse in Keefe who after feeling your back for one second laughed, “Oh god, I would actually need a power drill to get rid of some of these knots.”

Following tonight, this week’s de-stressing activities will include calling your mom while in fetal position and pouring water on an A-level computer out of frustration.