Meet Klargon, Your New Class Dean.


AMHERST, MA — In an exciting change of pace for her administration, President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin has announced the appointment of a new dean, following an extensive hiring search into the planets of the TRAPPIST-1 solar system and Omega Centauri star cluster. The New York-based consulting firm hired by the administration to make its decisions confirmed that this area of deep space contains biochemical environments conducive to life forms with experience in the residential college model.

“Our previous administrators have lacked sufficient prior exposure to the liberal arts, and many have felt alien to the student body,” lamented President Martin. “That’s why we picked Klargon, Harbinger of Dark Matter and Destroyer of the Seven Suns, to serve as our next freshman class dean.”

“My door is always open!” said Klargon, who plans to hold weekly office hours. “In this dimension, that is,” he added with a wink.

Klargon, as President Martin highlighted in her campus-wide email, has extensive academic and administrative experience. He has worked on numerous curricular revisions, overseen far-reaching academic programs, and, famously, spearheaded the unionization of the Neutrino mines in Galaxy Sector-B. Klargon also knows what all students are doing at all times because for him, time functions backwards and in a flat disk. It is advised that you not email him asking for extensions, because he literally will not understand!

Administrators report that Klargon has already started to engage with the student body in a way that feels very productive. “Tusks up!” said Klargon, raising his all twelve of his hands to his third face.

On Klargon’s arrival to campus, Dean Gendron remarked, “The guy is magnetic. Really, my computer exploded the moment he walked into Converse. As soon as I saw gravity reverse itself in his presence and all my documents fling themselves onto the ceiling, I thought, ‘this guy knows what he’s doing.’”

Last month, Klargon, who actually bleeds purple, was present at President Martin’s speech to a group of accepted students. Students reported Klargon’s incredible warmth at the reception, measuring 900 Kelvin and incinerating one of Val’s fruit and cookie platters.

“Terras Irradient!” President Martin told the students. “May you light up the world.”

“All of them,” added Klargon.

As students filed out, Klargon was heard muttering “Good luck lighting up Kepler-69c. There’s a black hole two light-years away. Not even David Foster Wlargon could shine a candle on that place.”