Clayton Bryant ’18, a former baseball player suspended for forcing a recruit to use his dong as a bat during batting practice, has taken credit for posting pictures of Suzanne Coffey as the Grinch all over Val.
“I’m so tired of this patronizing administration. Amherst students are responsible adults who don’t need to be chaperoned every weekend,” Bryant slurred through a haze of Juul smoke. “I mean, I drink 25 beers a night, introduce myself to women by grabbing their ass, and know how to reallocate my extremely limited cocaine budget to protest an administrator who I don’t like. Could a child have done that? NO! As a kid I could only drink 6, 7 beers, max. I am clearly an adult, and given that my step-father pays full tuition, I deserve to be treated like one.”
“There’s just no reason to hold our hand all the time,” Bryant continued. “The administration should only treat me like a helpless child when it comes to getting me a job at Goldman, dramatically inflating my grades, and cutting me slack in any of my several disciplinary hearings.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Muck-Rake would like to acknowledge that we were, in fact, responsible for creating the high-quality and hilarious Coffey ‘Shop. However, we would like to stress that its placement across Val was not our doing. First of all, we can not afford color printing. Second, under no circumstances do we ever leave our musty hovels to go outside. We affirm that criticism of school administrators should only come from Dr. Seuss parodies on collegiate humor websites, not Mean Girls-esque bullying.