AMHERST, MA – Sending in his schedule with a big idiot grin on his face, idiot sophomore Elliot Sizemore proudly told himself, “this oughta give me enough motivation to wake up at a reasonable hour,” as he ignored the wisdom of his friends, relatives, and personal experience. “This course looks so interesting, I’ll WANT to wake up early” Sizemore thought, despite having already slept through his ten o’ clock class twice this semester. “It takes me about ten minutes to walk from Tyler, five minutes to shower, three minutes to shave, two minutes and three quarters to brush my teeth, forty-five seconds to get dressed, and five minutes to do the reading before class,” the idiot said to himself as he went to sleep after emailing his advisor at three in the morning. “Which leaves me ten minutes to have breakfast at Val! Easy!” At press time, he was convincing himself he would be able to go to bed at four in the afternoon.