Report: Class of 2021 Is a Bunch of Fuckin’ Nerds

FreshmanClass

As the first day of classes comes to a close, sources have confirmed that this year’s freshman class contains the greatest number of try-hard freaks in Amherst College history. With an acceptance rate of just 13.0 percent and an average SAT score of 2232, Katherine “Katie” Fretwell, Dean of Admissions, declared last Tuesday that the class of 2021 is the biggest batch of losers she’s ever seen. She went on to say that these young men and women are tirelessly curious about think pieces, TED talks, fracking, kidney disease, and 18th century Japanese poetry, with a sizable number cult-ishly participating in games of Magic: The Gathering.

“I can say with confidence that this year is by far the smartest and most boring group of people that we’ve ever admitted,” Fretwell stated, noting that while 43 percent of the class say they are people of color, 14 percent of that group are really just white people claiming to be one eighth Cherokee. 75 percent of the young men have never seen a naked woman before, 66 percent have never tasted beer before, and, of that 66 percent, 90 percent will think that it tastes ‘yucky’ upon their first sips.

Alumni interviewers report that an overwhelming number of admitted students claimed that The Great Gatsby was their favorite book, and that their AP Language teacher “totally changed their lives for the better.” In an attempt to seem relatable, many of these robots joked that in their free time they loved volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and napping (“haha!”).

Upperclassmen will be happy to know that these admitted students have fully integrated into the party scene at Amherst College, with a cool 40 percent having woken up three days into orientation covered in their own jungle juice vomit.

As this tiny, geeky hoard explores the campus, avoid eye contact. It scares them. Approach with caution and stray from conversation about a certain school that rhymes with “Schmarvard.”

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