Following an internal restructuring, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has announced that it will permanently vacate its offices in College Hall and relocate to a table in the trendy New York City nightclub PHD.
“To properly deliver guidance to Amherst students, we need to be at the heart of their professional journeys,” explained Career Center director Emily Griffen. “It’s impossible to get anyone to come in to the Center, but if you tell these kids that you’ve got a table at a club, they’ll come like bees to honey.”
“And it doesn’t hurt,” Griffen added in a whisper, “that these students are super hopped up on Adderall and cocaine. Their information retention goes through the roof.”
Rising Senior Jessica Werther, who is currently a Summer Associate at J.P. Morgan, praised the Career Center’s rebranding.
“90% of Amherst students choose their careers just so they can afford to go to places that will be impressive Instagram locations,” Werther explained. “So why not make the Career Center an impressive Instagram location in its own right?” Werther quickly glanced down at some faded writing on her hand titled “Literally Any Elevator Pitch” and added, “It’s simply a comprehensive target-demographic synergistic viral marketing appeal that has upside-potential across all platforms. In summation, Career Center x PHD is just Uber for college career services.”
In an attempt to streamline its staff, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has also fired all profession-specific advisors. The Center will instead employ the fathers of the Men’s Squash team, who can send an email to Gary at Goldman explaining how your grades are not at all a reflection of your professional capabilities.