Hey gang! It’s me, Corry Colonna, Czar of Residential Life Mishaps and Whoopsies!
How about that concert, huh? I gotta say, during the 4 hours I stood outside and gloomily checked tickets, I got a pretty strong taste of what you Amherst students are listening to. And just like sensical housing policies, I think you guys like this stuff way more than I do.
Call me a traditionalist, but I like my EDM music duos like I like my Freshman roommates: antagonistically different and without any friendship. So you can imagine how turned off I was by that buddy-buddy act those two TriTonal jabronis put on! Quit it with the smiling and dancing guys. We all know distrust and miscommunication are the bedrock of any successful partnership – just look at me and student body!
And I know what everyone is probably thinking – old Corry Colonna probably hates all that Rap n Roll music the kids listen to nowadays. Sorry to burst your bubble, folks, but that’s wrong: I just like good Rap. That’s right, Corry here is a bona fide Hip Hop Hippopotamus!
So believe me when I say this: unlike modern Rap Music icons such as Iggy Azalea, Little Dicky, Garrison Keeler and Martin Shkreli, Vincent Staples just really isn’t all that great. I’m no fan of anybody who trashes the brave men, women, and ratcops in blue who protect us every day. And gee whiz, why does he have call women “bitches” all the time? We should respect everybody’s gender, whether that be by refusing to let transgender students live in 75% of rooms or never letting women win Lip Sync.
One thing I did like was the diversity of volume preferences at the concert. Personally, I don’t like loud noises. So when I went to the bathroom, I asked that Vincent fella if maybe he could knock it down a few decibels. He told me to fuck off. If two people with completely opposing preferences about noise weren’t adjacent to each other, that vibrant and productive exchange would have never happened. This was truly reflective of the value of volume diversity, which I am proud to say has been a hallmark of the past year’s residential life experience.