Senator Peter Gramsci ’17 Caught Laundering Senior Gift Funds to Pay Off Gambling Debts


Muck Rake sources have revealed that Senator Peter Gramsci ‘17, consider by Red Room insiders to be the “Paul Ryan, Al Franken, Steve Bannon, and Meryl Streep of AAS all at the same time,” has been syphoning senior gift funds to pay off his increasing gambling debts. A hard figure on his theft is currently unavailable, but several sources suggested that it may be “5 dollars, 50 dollars, 500 dollars… Just whatever you feel comfortable giving.”

The AAS has refused to comment at this time.

Senator Gramsci, who holds significant sway in the Senate and has been called “The Rasputin of the Red Room” by President Biddy Martin, reportedly developed a gambling addiction as a stress relief earlier this year.

“He told me he was just going to Poker Club to make sure they weren’t wasting AAS funds,” a fellow Senator was overheard saying online at Schwemms late last night. “I should have seen the signs,” the Senator continued. “One week he’s buying every student Insomnia, the next he’s telling clubs that we don’t have enough money to let them print table tents.”

The Board of Trustees has put a hold on all AAS and Senior Gift funds until further notice. Cullen Murphy ’74, Chairman of the Board, only offered this about Mr. Gramsci’s transgressions: “He knows what he owes me, he knows when I expect it, and he knows what will happen if he doesn’t pay.”