Mascot Announcement Causes Mammoth Overreaction from Amherst Community

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“We’re holding a sit-in at the Beneski Museum until this decision is reversed!” yelled one student holding a “NOT MY PACHYDERM” poster.

“This is just another example of anti-athlete culture at this school,” commented a weirdly-avid supporter of sports at Amherst. “Clearly, leftist alumni and students believe extinction is the best path for athletics, when ironically, athletes are the only people that really LIVE at this godforsaken school,” explained the jazzed-up non-athlete.

On the other end of the spectrum of completely excessive responses, one elated student has vowed to sacrifice the blood of 1,000 cows as a token of gratitude to the God of Mascot Decisions.

Meanwhile, The Indicator staff has been doing some hard-hitting journalism to uncover whether or not mammoths are truly representative of Amherst Athletics. After canvasing Facebook for anonymous sources, Jane Tribeck ’17, stated, “I ran the numbers and came up with some really great stats:

Of all the Mammoths on campus, 102% of them have never participated in varsity athletics.

On the entire football roster, only 34.6% of linemen could be described as ‘Mammoth-like’ based on their weight and amount of body hair.

Only 17.38% of all students who have been or are currently on the hockey team can identify the difference between a real life Mammoth and Ray Romano’s character ‘Manny’ from the Ice Age franchise.”

While the Muck-Rake vows to remain impartial on these issues, it seems as though the Mammoths will serve as an apt symbol of the Amherst community’s reaction to literally anything.

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