The Muck-Rake’s Official Mascot Selection Guide!

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With the mascot decision upon us, the Amherst Muck-Rake has compiled some of the most compelling arguments for and against each of the five remaining options. 

Fighting Poets

PRO

  • Demolishes stereotype that mascots have to be good
  • Gives English majors hope they might be important enough to be vaguely recognized by school
  • Just imagine being the team that loses to the Fighting Poets
  • This mascot will probably  look exactly like Lord Jeff, so I guess everyone wins here
  • This mascot would represent no poet in particular. In fact, the mascot would  represent many different poets, not just one, especially not just that one that you’re thinking about that didn’t like women or gay people, or something. The mascot will represent multiple poets, a few of whom may have said some not great things about Jews…or Muslims…or what have you… but, still, as a whole,  totally a net positive.

CON

  • Poets are mostly known for fighting pneumonia, and losing
  • Oh, so they’re athletic and they’re deep? How am I supposed to get laid now?
  • The fighting consultants would be a much more honest representation of Amherst

Mammoths

PRO

  • The Amherst community will be relieved to finally see the word ‘mammoth’ without its usual pals ‘controversy’ or ‘scandal’.
  • We have a dead mammoth on display in Beneski, which would be a bitch for our rivals to steal.
  • A mammoth was played by Ray Romano in a series of successful children’s films
  • “Amherst Mammoths” would be fun to say. Examples include “Amherst Mammoths Go Home” or “Amherst Mammoths embroiled in controversial scandal.”

CON

  • Done in by climate change and dumb dumbs with sharp sticks
  • Tusk imagery pretty phallic, especially if your dick is curved

Purple & White

PRO

  • “White” is already widely used in sports reporting in reference to Amherst teams; this is the instantly recognizable color not only of our athletic uniforms but of most Amherst athletes. Plus having “White” right there in the name will undoubtedly soothe Lord Jeff supporters.

CON

  • Many well-meaning students are unable to see color
  • Purple and white are the colors of the blankets that Lord Jeff distributed
  • Super embarrasing if whole teams shows up wearing the same colors

Valley Hawks

PRO

  • Not one of those candy-ass Sparrowhawks.
  • Most of us spend more time in valleys than we do in peaks.
  • Only mascot you can see on the quad, murdering squirrels
  • A Valley Hawk stole my infant son from my arms, and now my son has the powers of a hawk
  • Brings back memories of that time I totally nailed Becky in the bird sanctuary

CON

  • Birds are objectively one of the worst of the seven animal categories, barely edging out moss.
  • Brings back terrifying memories of my acid trip in the bird sanctuary
  • Hawks continuously evade my attempts to capture, beer batter, and fry them

Wolves

PRO

  • Pack mentality heavily influences most ineractions at Amherst
  • A gray wolf was spotted in Western Mass in 2008 for the first time since 1840, and  I’m 90 % sure I hit it with my car a month ago
  • A.J. Hastings will unironically sell hipster shirts of wolves howling at the moon

CON

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