Several dozen intoxicated UMass Amherst students arrived at LitFest events over the weekend after mistaking them for parties. The offending students disrupted numerous LitFest events when, after attempting to grind on Zadie Smith while she spoke in Johnson Chapel, they were apprehended by Campus Police.
“Bro bro bro, of course I go here. I’ve been to every LitFest,” Bart Stoolie, a UMass Sophomore, insisted. “My girlfriend’s ex – Andy, you know him? He’s got long hair that’s shaved on the sides, wears a cross necklace, 5’9”. Huge Pats fan. Huge. You don’t know Andy? Awwww man Andy’s the best. Anyway, he got really wasted at LitFest last year and yacked in your library… uh… I mean our library. Go Jeffs. Fuck Willison College.”
Campus Police reported several missing items following the incident, including President Biddy Martin’s prized handle of 2009 Rubinoff Cherry (a gift from outgoing President Tony Marx), an ice sculpture of a penguin, and Dorris Kearns Goodwin’s Canada Goose jacket.