AMHERST MA- To keep up with the liberal arts college’s comprehensive fee increases, 3.5% over last year’s, more Amherst College parents are being forced to refinance their vacation homes. “I’ve had to rent out my cozy Connecticut cabin just to make ends meet,” said Howard Beauregard, Amherst class of ’86. “The tuition goes up again and, god forbid, we might have to lease our cabana in Barbados.
“After the last fiasco, Lord knows I’m not going to summer in Florida,” he added.
Beauregard, whose son is currently attending the college, is one of many Amherst parents who have recently been forced to take out mortgages on Lake Cabins, Swiss chalets, and hunting lodges. “A buddy of mine whose kid goes there had to cut his employees’ sick days to afford to go to Cape Town,” he told Muck-Rake reporters. “Why not just fire one?”
Beauregard’s son, sailing team member Gregory Beauregard, says the money troubles have impacted his ability to “get crispy with the rock.” “It’s just difficult to focus,” says Beauregard, “when you know that your backup synchilla Patagonia doesn’t vibe well with the season, and you can’t do anything about it. It just hurts.”
Beauregard’s dog’s half-birthday also had to come late this year.
First-Gen association President Brooke Porochek, whose name we have changed in order keep anonymous, explained to the Muck-Rake that low income students are also feeling the squeeze.
“I’ve felt more pressure to justify diversity than I ever have before,” Porochek whispered so as not to be overheard in the busy dining hall, choked with men carrying marbled cups of baby blue Powerade. “There are only so many dances I can teach, y’know? How many tear-stained tales of triumph over tragedy do I have to tell to get them off my back? ”
At press time, Porocheck was finishing a survey, the preliminary findings of which suggest that low income students have been experiencing a 3.5% decrease in eye contact.