Freshman Cracking Under Pressure of English Department’s Pro-Phallic Agenda


Amherst, MA – One and a half months into a semester ripe with discussions of 19th-century literary symbolism, Craig Blandino ‘20 is having a serious predicament: literally everything represents a phallus. Ever since Professor Rabinowitz made that point about the letter opener in Anna Karenina, Val workers report seeing Blandino lost in tortured thought midway to picking up a hotdog with a pair of tongs and nervously avoiding eye contact with the tiny bin of carrots at the salad bar. One observer recently witnessed Blandino shriek, “What the fuck dude?!” before diving into a snow bank to avoid an old man with a cane crossing Route 9.

Sources close to Blandino, but not like close in a gay way, say that he’s recently changed his profile picture from a *timeless* cigar-puffing shot to a grainy zoom-in on one of his perfectly rectangular abs at a Toby Keith concert. “He’s had to take certain measures to combat the profusion of phallic symbols in daily life,” Blandino’s roommate Vince Brotein ’20 confirmed, “Everything in our sick man cave is now shaped like a cube, sphere, or triangular prism. I had to throw out all my lava lamps, but it was worth it to preserve psychological safety in our friendship.” An unconfirmed report also places Blandino in the WGC after hours last Friday, stealing duct tape, glue, and other supplies to help reinforce his fragile masculinity.

Though Blandino declined to comment on the rumors, phalluses, or cylindrical shapes in general, he did affirm his cutting-edge views on gender and sexuality to the Muck-Rake while wiggling into a tank top that said ‘No Homo.’ “My manliness has always been strong and will continue to thrive despite continued threats from forces that wish to do me harm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have twelve steaks to grill.”