OPINION – I love music. There might not be anyone who loves a good ditty-doo-dah or a honky-tonk shamble as much as I do. Music is what colors our world, and I love it with all my heart. But what I don’t love is, you guessed it, fascism. And considering the political climate, I think we should, at least temporarily, put aside childish things like music and focus on things that really matter, such as crying and screaming about the president while flagellating ourselves. The only way we can accomplish this is, of course, by crushing the Val piano into tiny little pieces and letting the wind carry them to their final resting places.
A recent study showed that nearly 50% of music on campus comes from the Val piano. (The other 50%? Jazz.) Anyone you ask will tell you they love the Val piano’s sweet, malformed tunes loudly interrupting their meals and setting a strange tempo for each bite of their “food”. But with Trump now in the office, our ears need to be listening to our own fearful shrieks, rather than out-of-tune music. That’s why I implore the student body to rise up in unity, and drop the val piano off the top of Frost, pick up it’s splintered remains, and bury them in the bird sanctuary, effectively making the Val piano the bird’s problem.
You might say “Hey, I love it when annoying, small children bang their stupid, inarticulate hands on the Val piano! Won’t you think of the children?” But in times like these, each of those children would be much better off curled into a little ball wailing in agony at the state of this country. It’s a hard choice to make, but we need these children’s screams and if taking the Val piano into Amherst square, covering it in honey, and letting the townies devour it piece by piece is what it ultimately takes, count me in.
In conclusion, I will personally tear the Val piano limb from limb, soak it in liquid nitrogen and shatter it upon my own head while yelling “TRUMP MAKES ME SCARED”.
The Val piano will be mourned by her husband, Val piano man.