President Martin Prepares Survival Supplies, Plane Tickets to Japan in Anticipation of Future Sit-Ins


Biddy Martin’s Wednesday started with a rare moment of tranquility. “I can’t tell you how stressful it’s been around here lately,” Biddy confided to Muck Rake’s senior Converse Library Correspondent. “The Japanese have a term for these past two years – tawagoto tatsumaki, or ‘shit tornado.’” President Martin then gazed out the window briefly, before writing down “Possible Val Sunday Dinner – Tawagoto Tatsumaki” on a napkin. “Oh shit – are those protestors?” Martin frantically inquired as she glanced out the window again. “Fuck this, I’m out.”

This is how it always seems to be for President Martin, who reportedly hasn’t had a protest or sit-in free work week since 2009. “I had absolutely nothing to do with the immigration ban. How could this be blowing up in my face? What do all these people think I do all day? Like 80% of my job is writing condolence letters to the families of dead Trustees.”

This time, though, Martin is prepared.

“I’m not taking any chances,” Biddy said as she padlocked the door to her office and grabbed a duffel bag with boxed water, Grab n Go trail mix, and plane tickets from under a floorboard. “If this gets big, I’m screwed. I only have enough supplies to make it a couple of days. A week, tops, and that’s only if I eat Dean Epstein.”

This is where her nuclear option – a visit to Doshisha university in Japan that was postponed by Amherst Uprising – comes into play.

“That trip’s been my source of hope throughout all of this,” Biddy revealed as she funneled down a packet of trail mix. “Honestly, 80% of the time I was attending those trayless meetings, I was just browsing Kyoto Airbnb listings.”

“My buddy Pauline is on the German Literature at Doshisha,” Biddy revealed, “and she said their department reading club is SO much better than what we have here. All we ever have to drink at the Administration reading club is this one Pinot that Russell’s always has on sale, but that’s what I was drinking when Pete sent the wrong email two years ago, so I can’t drink it anymore.”

As the chants got louder, Biddy removed a grate from the wall and crawled into the heating vents. “See you on the other side, brother,” she yelled.