Bar Night Emails the Product of a Tortured, Captive Jon Stewart

jon-stewart-basement

After 60% of the senior class reported deleting last week’s Bar Night email thinking it was spam claiming to be a Namibian prince asking for a money transfer, the pair of 21+ jokesters known as Mr. and Mrs. Bar Night were desperate for a stroke of genius.

“We don’t really know how to convince people to drink on a Wednesday night,” commented one of the anonymous authors, “All I know is that our political jokes are HILLARY-ous and we’re always down to cross PARTY lines at High Horse!” No further comments could be gathered because the source was laughing too hard at her own joke to continue the interview.

The following week Muck-Rake Investigators were asked to return to Mr. and Mrs. Bar Night’s headquarters after receiving this cryptic message included in a snapchat nude of Al Gore:
We’ve got him, we’ve got the key…

After being led down a dank ass hallway to the Chapman basement, Mr. Bar night turned on a single swinging lightbulb, exposing a gagged and bound Jon Stewart wearing nothing but a loincloth and a backwards Amherst visor.

“Help me!!…. understand why anyone voted for Trump! Haha!” he giggled, eyelids drooping.

“Hysterical, Mrs. Bar Night! Get that one on the record,” Mr. Bar Night chuckled to his associate.

“Don’t worry, we’ve got him on an almost lethal dose of quaaludes and columbian roast val coffee,” Mrs. Bar Night assured the Muck-Rake investigator, “Amazing how he’s STILL producing amazing content for us to send in the bar night emails!”

“Iraq more like I rock haha swaggggg,” Stewart stammered before vomiting into a solo cup.

“Amazing! Write it up, but with too many ambiguous pronouns,” said Mrs. Bar Night as she nodded in approval.

Fearing for their lives and slowly evaporating sense of humor, the investigative team fled the scene. Based on this week’s bar night email, however, experts suspect Stewart is still in custody.

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