President Martin Starts Using “Public-Statement” Speech Style in Everyday Conversation


In our polarized times, college Presidents have been asked to make increasing amounts of public statements. While these statements often serve as simple reaffirmations of a college’s values, the format has nonetheless been hard to learn for some Presidents. Amherst College President Biddy Martin has reportedly gone into a full-immersion program to master the style. This necessitates saying everything in the form of an open letter. What follows are reader-reported encounters with President Martin’s new style of speech.

At Val, standing in line with students:

“There are some events that define the college experience; watershed moments in everything is brought into focus. Today in Valentine Dinning Commons, I had the distinct honor and responsibility to experience this moment with hundreds of students.

At this point, it is common knowledge that Val ran out of Cubans for 15 minutes while continuously replenishing the Chicken Mole sandwiches. However, while this fact is known, I feel that every member of the Amherst community deserves to fully understand what this means.

Nobody likes those Chicken Mole sandwiches. Literally no one. Everyone likes the Cubans. If you don’t like Cubans, you’re a communist. Ironic, yes, but not as ironic as the fact that I pay Val $7,000 a year to feed me, but if I ate that $7,000 in single dollar bills, it’d probably taste better.

The opportunity cost of going to Val should not be giving up your sanity and 45 minutes for a second rate sandwich. I have organized a task force of Johnny’s Tavern, Black Sheep, and Wings Over Amherst, which will be discussing ways in which no one ever has to step foot in Val again.

Thank you,

President Carolyn Martin”

After her friend from home got too drunk at the pregame:

“This evening, what felt like hundreds of members of the Amherst Community were forced to see my friend from home, Tim, get too drunk at the pregame. I am deeply ashamed for both his actions, and for the role I played in allowing it to happen.

Tim just felt really out of place. He goes to Michigan, and I think when he’s in an unfamiliar place he sorta just drinks away the nerves. While this is an explanation, it is by no means an excuse. The sanctuary of the pregame should not be pierced by unprompted “BIDDY CHUGS A BEER!” chants, repeated playings of “Mr. Brightside,” and sloppy professions of boyhood crushes for me. I don’t even like you like that, Tim. You’re like a brother to me.

I am pleased to inform the residents of Moore 203 that Tim has agreed to Venmo any affected party for his share of the Rubinoff and Natty Light, as well as for the hole he put in the wall after losing beer pong. Tim has accepted a one-month snapchat hiatus between him and myself, after which point he will send me a drunk snapchat saying how much he misses me. I will visit Tim in the spring for March Madness, where I will get embarrassingly drunk.

If you have any more questions, please direct them to the residents of Moore 204, who called in the noise complaint last night. They seem to love telling people what happened.

Thank you,

President Carolyn Martin