Amherst, MA – This week, the men’s soccer team finally answered the question that’s been on everyone’s minds: Who’s gonna be the asshat who thinks it’s good idea to host Crossett Christmas in Jenkins?
Residents of Jenkins 201 had been in denial about the possibility for weeks. “I thought there was no way things could get any worse,” lamented Bethenny Peabody ’17, “The hand rails that I need to support my one jacked frisbee arm are coated in dried Keystone and tears of spurned lovers, and last Saturday someone left a giant old tire in our shower that we still haven’t been able to lift out of there.”
In preparation for the event, resident Judy Woo ’17 has been hoarding stale cinnamon raisin bagels and the sludge from the caramel macchiato machine to keep her energy levels high. “There’s only one rule in Armageddon,” Woo whispered hoarsely as she snapped a pool cue in half, “Fall behind, get left behind. Also the second rule is that there are no rules.”
The “Frisbaes” are also rumored to be building an altar to Billiard Man to appease disgruntled athletes, and have been collecting backpacks full of free laptops to hand out to belligerent UMass students.
Meanwhile, the men’s soccer team has been filling their inflatable dragon with the dying breaths of Brenda Li ’17 and Patricia Belgrave ’17 who, upon hearing the news, immediately peaced tf out.
No comment could be received from RC Dorothy Bernstein ’17, who was last seen crossing the train tracks with her emergency rucksack minutes after the Facebook event went live.