Student Can’t Wait for Month of Crippling Loneliness, Self-Reflection After Finals


Amherst, MA – As Annie Keyes ’18 sorted through her countless assignments for the end of this semester, she reported looking forward to the freedom of winter break, a peaceful time to sit and think about everything she has failed to accomplish in life thus far.

“I just can’t wait to finish all of my papers, go home, and finally have time to lie in my bed for days, contemplating all of my life regrets and disappointments,” stated Keyes.

She expressed further excitement to kickback, relax and rehash all of the romantic opportunities she missed this semester.

“I’ll have so much freedom soon to do whatever I want, like thinking about that one time Jimmy and I made eye-contact in Jenkins,” Keyes imagined. “I’ll have literal weeks to kick myself for not going over and talking to him!” she relished.

Keyes will not only have time to obsess over her romantic disappointments, but she will also have the liberty to constantly rethink her post-graduation plans.

“This month will be amazing. I can reflect on the fact that I no longer want to go into finance and on the fact that my academic major won’t get me any other jobs.”

Furthermore, the junior is reportedly just waiting for the day when she can binge-watch Friends for the fifth time, eat a full pint of ice cream, and cry over the B+ she got in Macroeconomics.

“Thank god I won’t have any more assignments to distract me from the hostile relationship I have with my mother,” Annie continued. “I truly can’t wait to spend a full month wallowing in self-pity,” she finished with a smile.