Op-Ed: My Team’s Formal is a Big Fucking Deal and You Better Treat it as Such

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OPINION – That’s right, baby, it’s formal season, and if you thought I was taking things lightly this year, you thought wrong. You better show up lookin’ like a million bucks, actin’ like a million bucks, and talkin’ like a million bucks because I’m not cutting corners on this one. No sirrey. Not today. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

If I don’t see you praising God for every bite of this greasy fried rice and for every sip of this cheap alcohol, I swear you will be escorted out immediately. And not just out of the restaurant, out of Amherst College completely. Heck we’re going to send you right outta Massachusetts because, frankly, you don’t know how lucky you are to be here.

Not just anyone is invited to these things, ya know. You are one of the Elect, and I expect you to respect this mighty position. See all those appropriately dressed folk out there? Walkin’ ’round in their jeans with their friends?  They’re the plebes, and they spend every waking moment of their days wishing they were us. Appreciate this. Bask in this. Don’t take this for granted.

‘Cause once you start taking your status as a Formal attendee for granted, we’re all fucked. That’s right, everyone of us is doomed. The social order will crumble, and our lives will never be the same. This awkward, subpar dinner, this even more awkward party, this sloppy, minute-long make-out session, THIS is the pinnacle of our existence. THIS is everything. Without THIS we are nothing. You are nothing. I am nothing. Yes, I am nothing.

-Anonymous

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