Biddy Vows to “Grab Fall Fest by the Pussy”

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A recording of a private conversation between President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin and Director of Student Life/Senior Administration Social Chair Paul Gallegos has revealed President Martin using various lewd terms to describe her feelings toward the upcoming Fall Festival.

Muck-Rake obtained the tape in exchange for the final Congo Bar at Grab-N-Go this past Tuesday. The conversation took place in President Martin’s Converse Hall office, which she refers to as “Biddy City,” “Poonani Palace,” and “The Lord Queef” throughout the recording.

While the entire conversation ranges from playfully inappropriate to moderately sexual to definitely sexual and questionably anti-Semitic, several overtly vulgar quotes have garnered heightened attention on campus.

“I don’t want this thing open to the Five Fucking Colleges again,” Biddy complained as she scrolled through the Class of 2020’s Facebook page to find smokes. “When UMass sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re sending the people that have lots of problems… they come with backpacks, no booze, and no girls. I’d rather have only Shadow kids show up.”

At various points Biddy bragged to Mr. Gallegos about her predatorial treatment of Dean of Faculty Catherine Epstein, who will be in attendance at Fall Fest. “What a piece of ass,” President Martin quipped to Mr. Gallegos. “Would you?” Mr. Gallegos inquired from his perch on top of Biddy’s in-office bar/DJ station. “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her boss…” Biddy replied, leaving the answer all but said.

President Martin’s most attention grabbing quote, though, is what she said regarding her excitement for the Fall Fest. “I’ve got some Tic Tacs, just in case I start eating the s’mores. You know I’m automatically attracted to hay rides – I just start riding them. Fall Fest is like a magnet. I play giant Connect Four. I don’t even wait. When you’re President, they let you do it. You can do anything. I’m gonna grab Fall Fest by the pussy. You can do anything.”

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