Amherst, MA – Devastation continues to wrack the island countertop of Val, engulfed in a rapidly whirling chain of students after the salad bar and ice cream lines accidentally combined during today’s dinner. Lacking any end, the line and snide comments about “those meat-eating savages” continued to accelerate until it reached 230mph, or what professionals call a category 4 shit storm.
“It was one big swirling ring of death,” said survivor Lauren Carxs ’17, “like an irony out of Dante’s Inferno, an Ouroboros of irritable vegans and calorie-unconcerned freshmen.” Carxs claims she only survived by hermetically sealing herself in the gluten-free fridge. “I almost ran out of air but was saved when a celiac, no longer able to distinguish between the flavorless beige foodstuffs, confused me for microwaveable pizza.”
Meteorologists are unable to ascertain when the storm reached critical mass, but say that the intensity of the storm is only obvious in hindsight. With pumpkin oreo, cookie monster and cotton candy available, it was the makings for both the perfect storm and a slightly-below-average sundae.
Three Val employees remain trapped within the eye of the storm. With no chance of rescue and dwindling supplies, it is expected they will commit suicide by ancient grains rather than slowly starve to death.
Valentine Staff have released a statement that they will hold a vigil in honor of those who lost their lives in the tragedy. They ask that instead of flowers, guests should donate spare plates and cutlery to replenish their critically low supply.