Alert: Dude Carrying Mason Jar is Currently Engaging You in Unwanted Conversation


Amherst, MA – The student carrying a glass jar of sludge, who has started talking to you because your copy of Anna Karenina has post-its sticking out of it, will, almost undoubtedly, use the words ‘paradigm’ and ‘contextualize’ while talking to you.

Where did this man come from? And why is he the worst?

As the Muck-Rake investigative team has uncovered, the individual now yammering at you is none other than Kyle Murphy ’18. Kyle has been implicated in mason jar transportation and verbal douchery for the past year. Reports indicate Murphy has variously carried, in his leather satchel, jars of kombucha, home-fermented kimchi, and active bacterial cultures. Since last fall,  when Murphy purchased his first mason jar, his use of “as it were” and “problematize” in everyday conversation has increased by nearly 80 percent.

Prior to his settling on mason jars, the Murphy told our Muck-Rake reporter that he had experimented with other forms of non-traditional food and beverage transport, drinking Kool-aid out of oragami cups and and carrying clam chowder around campus in a rusty oil can. None of these vessels, however, stole his heart as the mason jar did.

“The best part about mason jars is that their functionality is so raw and inchoate,” Murphy explained. “They hold retain no heat or cold, are liable to break under the slightest trauma, and clank together in a symphony of discord!”