The Amherst administration recently reached out to the student body for help in choosing a new mascot. While no official list of candidates has yet been fielded, we’ve come up with some candidates we think are worth the student body’s consideration:
- Lord Jeff, Commander-in-Chief of British Army (~1756)
A classic, and honestly, a no-brainer. I mean, the guy’s full name is Lord Jeffrey Amherst. You catch that last bit? ‘AMHERST’ How is this guy not crushing in the polls? Even better yet, Lord Jeffy A. is an old white guy. Who doesn’t like old white guys? Remember that Clint Eastwood movie where Clint Eastwood plays an old white dude living in Detroit and he’s super racist and mean but at the end he becomes the hero? Pretty awesome.
Pros: No one has to buy new clothes for school spirit.
Cons: None come to mind
2. Harambe, Western Lowland Gorilla
One second a gorilla is getting tragically shot in a zoo for endangering a child, the next second his name is hilarious forever. I mean literally, forever. Every time I hear a joke about Harambe, it’s like the first time. Everyone PLEASE keep telling them. But you can’t deny his potential, so forget all the moose-huggers out there who might complain about animal abuse, respect, and similar mumbo-jumbo, this deceased gorilla is a keeper.
Pros: School spirit chants like “RIP Harambe!” “Dicks out for Harambe!” and “RIP Harambe!”
Cons: None come to mind.
3. Kevin James, Actor(?)
To be honest, I ran out of ideas after the first two; I had to phone a friend for this one. I was in line at Grab-and-Go with a fellow Muck-Raker, so I asked him what he thought the mascot should be… this was his immediate response. Personally, I think “Grown-Ups” was bad to the point of being offensive, and “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” was a crime against humanity. But I’ve literally run out of ideas. Plus, the first two suggestions are no longer living, so maybe this is the best choice.
Pros: He is alive. (Right?)
Cons: It’s Kevin James.
4. The Washington Redskins, Beloved Sports Franchise
You know that phrase, ‘This town ain’t big enough for the two of us’?, well, luckily, that phrase doesn’t apply in this situation, because Amherst and Washington D.C. are in fact different towns. We could learn a thing or two from the Redskins’ noble refusal to change their mascot and name, even in the face of massive public indignation. The additional revenue generated from selling Amherst Washington Redskins athletic gear could be put towards something the campus needs, like more loop-de-loop couches for greenway, or a dozen additional deans.
Pros: Mascot is already tried and tested.
Cons: None come to mind.
5. Norm Pollard, Speaker from Hazing Meeting
Now this is a guy who can keep a crowd going. After a stellar sold-out debut at the required hazing meeting for Amherst athletes, Norm Pollard, the “wizard” of hazing, has seen his stock skyrocket here on campus. His speech on why hazing is bad was so compelling that not only did students in attendance learn that hazing is bad, but Norm even got a standing ovation before he finished talking. This guy would in no way be out of place walking around at a football game… mascot or not.
Cons: Muck-Rake will probably have to end its initiation of tying new freshman writers to goal posts.
6. Androgynous Extraterrestrial Glob, Visitor from Outer Space
I know what you’re thinking at this point: “Too many old white guys in the lineup!” Well, we found the perfect solution. This extra terrestrial amorphous blob is the ultimate 2016 mascot, being entirely devoid of any race, sexual orientation, religion, gender, age, or nationality.
Pros: Political Correctness +500
Cons: It may or may not be harboring an ultra-contagious space disease, e.g. Jupiter-flu, comet-measles, or Pluto-crabs.