Muck-Rake Post-Debate Polls Are In

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Following the first presidential debate, the Muck-Rake Political Research Center, in collaboration with Gallup, Quinnipiac, Nate Silver and a magic eight ball,  conducted a series of wide ranging polls on debate viewers’ reactions. Here are some highlights:

40% of Amherst College students’ knowledge of the debate is based solely on other students’ Facebook posts about the debate.

17% of Amherst College students believe that neither Trump nor Clinton will be a good replacement for Biddy Martin.

12% of Amherst College students refused to watch the debate in the name of ‘principled protest’, and of those, 91% instead spent their time alternating between browsing dank memes and masturbating

86% of Amherst College men’s sports teams agree that while Hillary is indeed an Amherst 9, she is probably only a real world 6. Concurrently, 74% of women at Amherst college agree that Chelsea Clinton is ‘Amherst Pretty’ while Melania Trump is ‘UMass trashy pretty’

79% of China’s population is concerned about Trump being onto them and their clever, clever global warming hoax

And, finally

100% of dinosaurs are dead

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