Freshman Lacrosse Player Adjusting Nicely to Role of Campus Supervillain


“Sure, I thought that I was gonna be a good guy when I started school a few weeks ago,” Brantford Wilmington IV, lacrosse freshman, confided to this Muck-Rake reporter. As he spoke, his hand, complete with a golden pinky ring, ceaselessly stroked a white cat in his lap. “But by the end of Orientation, most of which I skipped to binge drink in our Jenkins lair,  it became clear that my role had been preordained long ago. Who I am to try and break with tradition? Who else can serve as the campus punching bag?”

In his brief time at Amherst, Brantford has established himself as someone who often prefaces his jokes with ‘no offense,’ loves saying ‘just to play devil’s advocate’ before every comment in his Black Studies class, and routinely tricks Superman into poisoning himself with Kryptonite.

“That’s just the beginning, of course,” Brantford asserted with a cackle. “Next, I hope to act so aggressively at a party that at least one person feels the need to write a Facebook status about ‘entitlement’ at Amherst. If that goes off without a hitch, I might try forcing Biddy and Coach Boyko to fight to the death. Sure, Boyko is stronger, but Biddy has more money and greater resources and a utility belt and the Biddymobile.”

When not planning the destruction of campus, Brantford is a student and, naturally, an Economics major.

“Technically, I didn’t declare the major myself,” Brantford clarifies with a flourish of his cape. “All lacrosse players are automatically enrolled as Econ majors by the Registrar; you have to go through a complicated opt-out process.”

When asked to comment about his few fellow teammates who choose to defend the forces of good, instead of majoring in Economics, Brantford concluded, “Those guys don’t have what it takes to become amateur criminal masterminds.” He elaborated, “I dunno they just don’t really fit in with the squad. Like just so lame.”

After our interview, Brantford could be seen walking around Val in a pair of Sperry’s, while blowing locks of hair out of his eyes to get a better view of his next target for destruction.