No Longer Golden Child, Class of 2019 Mass Immolates

Screen Shot 2016-09-15 at 8.30.38 PM.png

Amherst, MA – With the third week of classes starting, members of the class of 2019 have begun self-immolating to escape the crushing realization that they are no longer Amherst’s Golden Child.

The class of 2019’s feelings of ineptitude began earlier this month with Dean of Admissions Katie Fretwell’s declaration that the Class of 2020 was the most accomplished class ever admitted to Amherst.

The class of 2020 boasts a wide range of victories come from a wide walk of backgrounds, including Firefighters, professional backgammon players and members of ISIS (the middle-eastern terrorist cell). In contrast, the Class of 2019 only had post office workers, a minor-league Mancala player  and ISIS (The ancient Egyptian goddess).

In a collective letter written to their professors, the Class of 2019 asked for forgiveness for their inadequacy.

“We simply cannot compete with the excellency of the Class of 2020, with their colorful collection of jet plane fighter pilots, Nobel laureates and  record shattering 5 Alabaman Students (all legacy spouse-siblings from the first two Alabamans last year). We relinquish ourselves to the cycle of life, in hopes of being reborn as someone who can play the harmonica or as a set of Siamese twins.”

In the soccer field, all that remained of the gruesome display were piles of ash and charred accolades that once held meaning. Facilities has announced the remains will be used for fireplace training, despite not quite being up to their usual standards.

“Although they are not the most prestigious class at Amherst, one thing is certain: they were the class that burned the brightest.” said Fretwell, as she attempted to shape the ashes into “Terras Irradient” for a brochure photo.