After Second Weekend of Parties, Jenkins Resident Declares Himself King


“I knew my reign had officially begun when some blackout freshman asked me if my suite was ‘The Socials’,” remarked Jenkins resident Thatcher Sterling ’17 as he scooped up a crushed Natty can with his lacrosse stick.” Now that the four realms of Crossett, Coolidge, Pond, and Stone have been destroyed, it’s time for a new kingdom to rise.”

Roving bands of nomadic partiers have been frequenting the grasslands in front of Jenkins, while the dorm itself has allegedly contained over 30 people at a time in some of its suites. With the police resources focused on the Triangle, these numbers could rise exponentially. Predictions are that tens upon tens of students could soon flood the dormitory in the coming weeks, leaving the Kingdom of Jenkins’ infrastructure in ruins.

“This whole ‘king’ thing has kinda gone to Thatch’s head,”  says one of Sterling’s suitemates, Larsson Bosworth ’18. “He keeps telling me his life is ‘like Game of Thrones but with less midgets and more pussy.’ Somebody’s gotta get him to stop, it’s getting really out of hand.”

Sterling was most recently spotted in his Econometrics class with a plastic crown and scepter, demanding the professor kiss his NESCAC runners-up ring