Biddy Hosts Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for ‘Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe’

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Amherst, MA – Due to the increased size of the Amherst student body and the decreased number of residence halls, President Biddy Martin officially unveiled the newest housing option for students: the Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe.

“We are thrilled to welcome students to our most exciting housing project yet,” Martin exclaimed during her second ribbon cutting ceremony this week.

The Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe is reportedly the most sustainable complex on campus, requiring approximately zero kilowatts of energy and zero gallons of water.

Students are to live in the Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe, which boasts dozens of cozy spots to snuggle up in the mud, tarps at various elevations to fit everyone’s comfort, and hundreds of sharp rocks to throw at the coyotes that frequent the site.

“I feel so fortunate to live in the Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe before graduating,” commented Becky Lout ’17. “Burrowing up every night into a beautiful mound of dried earth has made me feel so at home – I never want to leave!”

“The Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe was designed to foster community,” Biddy explained in her speech. “Students can bond as they shovel spiders out of their homes every morning, and as they participate in giant games of tic-tac-toe in the dirt. The college is extremely proud of our latest accomplishment, and we welcome you all to this space,” Biddy finished, cutting the ribbon with great verve.

Following Biddy’s speech, students took tours of the Giant Pile of Dirt Next to Keefe, with only a few sophomores getting lost in a landslide and rabid coyote incident. The Muck-Rake team wishes to thank the college for this amazing addition to campus.