Amherst, MA – After what has been a disappointingly quiet few months for everyone’s favorite/least favorite campus organization, the Amherst College Republicans share their plans for the future, as one of our Muckrake investigators reports:
“I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been an underwhelming couple of semesters for us”, says Brent Sheckland Jr., assistant chairmen of the Amherst College Republicans. “We’ve been timid ever since the uprising, afraid to push the envelope like we used to. Krauthammer was a tame play – barely anyone got angry about him. I daresay that this year we’ve actually become a tad more reasonable, a teeny bit more bearable, and somewhat less inflammatory. Don’t worry, though, we’ve got big plans to change all that next year.”
“Our farm system is in full swing,” explains the Amherst Republican’s chief talent scout, Dex Rexman III, “and let me tell you – unlike those unwashed hippies at the Book and Plow – we’ve got our farming down to a science.” Rexman lets out a hearty laugh. “We’re looking to recruit some real talent in this upcoming class. Highly provocative, hard-right wingers who’ll be loud and proud about their political persuasion.”
“I’ve got my eyes on a a junior from Heartford Public High who makes Donald Trump look like Karl Marx himself,” says assistant talent scout for the Northeast region, Marissa-Jacqueline Krupp VIII, “and there are several other promising students demonstrating some very positive signs. Indeed, there’s a solid cohort of grandiloquent suit-wearers, who question the liberal agendas of their teachers at every chance, excessively quote Henry Kissinger and are generally intolerable to a solid 75% of their peers. We’re very excited about the possibility of bringing these young controversy-magnets up to the major leagues.”
The ACR are planning on kicking off fall semester of 2016 boldly, with a guest list that includes Ann Coulter, the ghost of Spiro Agnew, and an AR-15 rifle.