Amherst, MA —“Yo, you guys have any more beer?” said the one with the hair. “Sucks they’re tearing the socials down, man, where else can we pull fire alarms for fun on a Thursday?”

At press time it was reported that the Chainsmokers had been placed in a pretty shitty single in Mayo-Smith, despite a decent room draw ranking and only being younger than several members of the Men’s Hockey Team.