Amherst, MA—Inspired by the success of the administration’s “Everybody Has a Story Week”, Student Health Educators have announced a similar program of their own. The culminating product of their wildly successful and super-horny “Healthy Sexuality Week”, the event will match a student, faculty member and staff member for a quick threesome to help facilitate “beneath the surface” conversations and form lasting sexual relations between three people who may not have met.
Locations for the program are scattered throughout campus to provide a wide range of experiences and positions. Trios will enjoy a quickie in the Val mezzanine, Seelye sound booth or Stearns steeple’s visitor room. A few lucky participants will experience rapturous bliss inside the gaping maw of Beneski’s ice age Mastadon, enhanced by the “boner” puns made by nearby docents.
The sessions begin with a series of questions that help candidates ease themselves into their partner’s lives and intimate orifices. Sample questions include “What was your experience growing up?”, “What is something you are proud of?”, and “Using your inner elbow as a reference point, what is the furthest you have dry-fisted a former partner?” The groups will then assume their positions and switch roles every 10 minutes; only the appointed leader is allowed to talk during their 10 minute slot.
SHEs will be tabling in Valentine next week to promote the initiative, and will happily explain the program to any interested students, keeping direct eye contact while sliding their index fingers in and out the hole of their fists.