“It’s really hard to maintain enthusiasm about the open curriculum when every student we pass looks like they’ve just had a run-in with a fucking dementor,” complained newly hired guide Landrew Clark-Smith ’19. “This is the Keefe Campus Center, where our hilarious Mr. Gad’s House of Improv performs,” Clark-Smith feigned with a hand gesture, “and here’s a line of my classmates waiting to be executed — I mean, getting their mail.”
“We’ve already got it tough enough trying to talk up ancient grains and blackened catfish,” said veteran guide Betty Tournt ’16. “Who’s going to believe we have a soft-serve machine in Val when the students inside look like caged animals? For Christ’s sake, did everyone here forget how to smile?”
Reports suggest that Admissions is in the process of hiring paid actors from UMASS to toss frisbees on the quad, walk into and out of Val engaged in conversation, and look generally invigorated by the thrill of the liberal arts.