Total Loser Shows Up To Candlelight Vigil By Herself

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Amherst, MA – Appearing despondent in the rear of the silent crowd, Melissa Cowell ’19 showed up to Thursday’s Candlelight Vigil for the Victims of Terrorism completely alone, like a total loser. “Whenever I go to a candlelight vigil, whether it’s for the victims of terrorism, police violence, or just a general mass shooting, I make sure I at least know like, three other people there,” said senior Kathryn Mordova, adding that showing up to a die-in without a date is a “recipe for awkward.”

Sources report that the solitary student stood silently in the corner of the vigil for most of the event, focusing mainly on keeping her candle lit. When asked for comment, she claimed that this was mostly the result of the school’s “abysmal” vigil scene, stating that “it would be nice to be able to walk into any campus vigil even if you don’t know the team throwing the memorial.”

At press time, the loser was standing at the edge of a circle of mourners, trying to find a way to work in a gaze of solidarity before the others transitioned to somber nods.

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