Report: New Greenway Dorms Engineered for Greater Tear Capacity


Amherst, MA – In a statement released Thursday, ResLife revealed the newest addition to the Greenway dorms: features designed to accommodate the overflow of students’ tears. “Our previous facilities were simply not adequate,” admitted Dave Johnson, the lead architect in charge of the new dorms. “Most buildings on campus were built with the ability to handle about a cubic liter of tear-water per month. Now, especially in peak shower-crying season, we’re up to probably that much per day.” Officials speculate that this year’s increase in tear production could be related to the elimination of grilled cheese night, or maybe the campus-wide normalization of loneliness and despair.

In keeping with the dorms’ eco-friendly mission, the Greenways have been retrofitted with innovative piping and filtration techniques that will collect viable tears and repurpose them as shower and sink water. “Bathing in your own tears is no longer just a figure of speech,” Johnson boasted, “We’ve made it a reality.”

If existential weeping increases as expected with the implementation of the new room draw system, the report estimates that the reduced water waste could save up to 0.87 polar bears. “The low tear-to-student output caused by 2015’s ‘single-tear’ phenomenon had us worried that the new system wouldn’t make much of an environmental impact,” Johnson remarked, “But it looks like we’re back on track for 2016.” Rumors are even circulating that Valentine Dining Hall plans to hold a special ‘stale Saltine and Gatorade’ night to reward students if target tear production is reached.