BREAKING: Ann, Swipe-in Lady, to Headline Spring Concert


AMHERST, MA – Sources indicate that the Campus Activity Board is poised to announce Ann, Swipe-in Lady, as the main act of the college’s annual spring semester concert. After combing through the results of its spring concert survey, CAB reported in an exclusive interview with the Muck-Rake that the student body is overwhelmingly in favor of hiring Ann, Swipe-in Lady, to headline this year’s show.

“We’re thrilled that Amherst students want us to look inward for our spring concert guest,” remarked CAB vice president Harry Mulliner ’17. “Why front $75,000 for some outside group when Ann is willing to do it for just 60,000 AC Dollar$?”

Mulliner invited Muck-Rake staffers to sit in on a recording session with Ann, Swipe-in Lady, convening in the atrium of Valentine Dining Hall just before the 12:50PM lunchtime rush. From her hallowed perch, Ann, Swipe- in Lady, laid down multiple takes of chart-toppers “Hiiiii tharrrr”, “Good mornnnning”, and “Fiiiiiiiine, and you?” to the unadulterated thrill of passing students.

Leaning in to ask Ann, Swipe-in Lady, for an interview on the subject of her upcoming EP, reportedly a collaboration with those two agitated Val buffalo chicken freestyle wrappers, Mulliner fumbled for his ID, causing Ann, Swipe- in Lady, to burst into flames.

“The portrait of a true artist,” beamed the junior CAB executive board member. “LeFrak is going to go wild!”

Mulliner disclosed that Ann, Swipe-in Lady will also be granted shorter shifts and a license to kill anyone who forgets their ID. CAB has yet to finalize an opening act for its flagship spring semester event, though the Crossett fire alarm and a reversing facilities truck are allegedly the current frontrunners.