3-5 Friends Who Post Way Too Much About Bernie Sanders on Facebook Now Completely Engulfed in Flames

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Amherst, MA – Following a series of dorm and house fires, the Amherst Fire Department issued a statement Thursday encouraging students and townsfolk to stop fucking posting about Bernie Sanders on Facebook. AFD chief Gerald Quinn warned of the dangers of posting about Senator Sanders more than three times in a single day, or for more than five days in a row: spontaneous combustion, as well as appearing incapable of acknowledging any political nuance. Quinn explained, “The size and temperature of the flames appear to be aggravated by unnecessarily sensational headlines, obviously biased internet news sources, and extreme condescension.”

Victims have largely been caught off guard by the phenomenon. “I just wanted everyone to “Feel the Bern”,” explained Ken Davies ’16. “Little did I know that my body would literally burst into flames after I posted my 7th meme of the day.”

“The threat of exploding into an all-consuming fire doesn’t seem to be deterring people,” Quinn remarked, “Most of these guys manage to make at least three more ‘Bernie Sanders’ Dank Meme Stash’ posts before they fully disintegrate into piles of self-righteous ash.”

Investigators have not yet determined whether the combustions are the result of a surging internal anti-plutocratic fire or just divine retribution for being annoying on social media.

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