Amherst, MA – A recent report compiled by scientists at the Hampshire County meteorological station in Amherst, Mass. concludes that recent weather patterns are a result of Mother Nature fucking with all of us for no reason.
“These observed temperature and precipitation patterns are not explained by any of our current weather models,” stated Jason McCormick, chief scientist at the Hampshire County station. “We’ve seen record warm with no snow followed by record cold with heavy snow followed by freezing rain, fog, regular rain, freezing rain again, and I swear I saw a mini-tornado forming near CVS the other day.”
Meteorologists have run dozens of different weather models, none of which has produced the results seen over the past few weeks.
“We can only conclude,” says the assistant chief, Rebecca Robins, “that our recently observed weather is due to the existence of a sentient, incredibly powerful being, who is being kind of a spiteful little witch right now. We don’t know why Mother Nature is doing this. She might be punishing us for our damage to the environment. Or she might be bored. Regardless, we are requesting that she fucking knock it off, and just let us have a normal winter.”
Initial reports, however, indicate that Mother Nature has no intention of doing so. Tomorrow’s forecast calls for hail, a warm front, a cold front, a very cold front, the raining of fish and a subtropical anti-cyclone.