Amherst, MA — Following a very public battle with oversharing and clear indications of deteriorating mental health, sources report that Amherst Crushes finally succumbed to it’s battle with the darkness that lies within all of humanity early Sunday afternoon.
Those close to the treasured measure of online popularity and friendship attribute the stress of Valentine’s Day as being responsible for the severe mental break. “75% of students are very lonely, according to every single presentation I’ve been to on student social life this year. Clearly, Amherst Crushes was one of those students,” reported a close Facebook friend who wished to remain anonymous.
Friends and staff from the counseling center are currently in talks to plan an intervention, and that failing, hope a quick stint in the Cooley-Dickinson psych ward will be enough to prevent further psychological damage to the account. “The last thing we want is to see Crushes go the way of Amherst Cuisine. Meth destroys lives.”