Amherst, MA – The US Department of Agriculture announced that Amherst College has met requirements to be officially designated a food desert, in a report published Monday. The report identified the campus, including but not limited to Valentine Dining Hall, as a “low-access community”. USDA official Lars Lundgren cited the inexplicable unavailability of food on campus between 2 and 4:30 p.m. on weekends, the inscrutability of Valentine’s traditional line fare, as well as “fucking Noodle Bar” all as factors playing into the new designation.
The report comes following a yearlong study which found that 86% of a typical student’s diet consists of buffalo chicken, Arctic Chill PowerAde, and assorted condiments. Most reported having “tried real food” from the traditional or lighter side lines, but were quickly discouraged by its taste, smell, and “pretty much everything”. A high-ranking school official, who for the purposes of anonymity was only referred to by her last name, Martin, was unsurprised by the results. “These kids are European shuffleboard champions and world-renowned cymbalists, but they have no idea how to eat a vegetable” she lamented, “I need a goddamn drink.”
The USDA emphasized Val’s role in the deterioration of the population’s general health and welfare, quoting the six cases of scurvy reported this semester alone. “That would make sense if this were a school for 18th century sailors,” Lundgren explained, “But these are just overeducated kids with iPads who only eat Lucky Charms and chocolate milk.” Officials also speculate that a batch of Pernil al Horno and Pastel de Choclo Y Pavo may be responsible for November’s chicken pox outbreak.
Amherst Director of Public Relations Kim Parcell issued a statement responding to the new ruling, saying, “It’s fine! Schwemm’s Gourmet Coffee House™ and Frost Café offer delicious and nutritious alternatives to Val, like reheated vegetable soup and fried macaroni bites. Also, vending machines.”
Lundgren held firm to the USDA’s stance, explaining, “The bottom line is, you have to be more determined than a soccer mom in the wine aisle of Costco to find a healthy meal that your body’s pharyngeal reflex mechanism won’t immediately reject. Something needs to change.”
In an effort to address concerns, Val’s Director of Cuisine Hal ‘Stewmaster’ Pendleton plans to add more Autumn Bisque to the menu.