Meet Your Branches!

Amherst has recently been abuzz with talk and questions about the college’s exciting new branch system. A careful listener on campus may overhear questions such as “Will the branch system really be the cure to the social divisions facing our student body? ” or “Will I be able to find a branch that fits my values? or “A branch? Like on a tree? What the fuck are you talking about?”

To help clear up some confusion, and to help students chose which branch is right for them, we present the basic summaries of top-voted branches.

Branch Name: Take Back Amherst College

Branch Color(s): White

Branch Mascot: Lord Jeffery Amherst

Suggested Activities:

-Saying the pledge of allegiance


Branch Name: Pre-Med Branch

Branch Color(s): Whatever will get me into med school

Branch Mascot: A Caffeine Molecule

Suggested campus activites:


-Complaining about orgo

Branch Name: Greek Culture Appreciation Club

Branch Color(s): Navy and Crimson

Branch Mascot: Phoenix

Suggested Campus Activities:

-Pig roast

-‘Reconsidering the College’s fraternity policy’ day

Branch Name: Improv Branch

Branch Color(s): Give me a color!

Branch Mascot: Give me a mascot!

Suggested activities: Skiing! Clothes shopping! Masturbating!

Branch Name: Branch Lannister

Branch Color(s): Gold

Branch Mascot: Lion

Suggested Campus Activities:

-The slow and systematic decimation of all other campus branches

-Bake sale

Branch Name: The Crew Team 

Branch Color(s): Red, White and Blue

Branch Mascot: Drowning fish

Suggested Campus Activities:

-America-themed party

-Not rowing on a freezing river, because there’s another excuse for pre-games now

Branch Name: Naturally Attractive Random People 

Branch Color(s): Pink

Branch Mascot: Cheetah

Suggested Campus Activities:

-Observing sports


Branch Name: Shadows

Branch Color(s): Gray and Light Gray

Branch Mascot: Chameleon

Suggested Campus Activities:

-4:30 Val

-8:30 Val