Lord Jeff Email Inspires Eight-Volume Epic: Infinite Jeff


Amherst, MA – Following the success of Tuesday’s four page statement on former mascot Jeffrey Amherst, Cullen Murphy ’87 has announced his plans for his new novel, Infinite Jeff. The Board of Trustees Chair will chronicle the role of higher education within all of human, primate and unicelluar history, as well as create a comprehensive list of all nouns and whether they are named after Lord Jeffrey Amherst.

Murphy says the email is only a sampling of what he hopes to be a powerful work that puts Amherst on the map.

“My goal is to educate, but my fantasies are that Infinite Jeff will really take off,” said Murphy in a longwinded interview with a Muckrake reporter who suffocated after Murphy used all the air up in the room. “Who knows, maybe it will even become so famous that my titular character, Lord Jeffrey Amherst, will become the school mascot.”

The courage to pursue the novel came after scores of students (all right, one) congratulated him on the magnum opus of all electronic communications. His rambling account of pointless and poorly sourced history has gained significance within the senior thesis community as the defining example of higher level bullshitting and stating no solid opinion in over 3000 pages.

“It’s revolutionized the way theses will be written. A paradigm shift in the world of academic text upheaval,” said Lacey Guai ’16, who is currently writing her thesis on Murphy’s email. “Before, we had rudimentary tools like 23 pt. periods and poorly tracked footnotes. Murphy has given us the template upon which modern society’s FAMS and SWAGS papers will be built!”

A commemorative live reading is planned upon the book’s release in early 2017 and will continue through 2067.