Mixer Negotiations Tense As Crossett Christmas Deal Nears


With the sudden stroke of a tennis racket on Saturday afternoon, representatives of sixteen suites reached a landmark party accord that will commit nearly every varsity team to making the final Crossett Christmas as dope as possible.

As the clock ticked down to the annual Christmas blowout, mixer negotiations took on the intensity of four elderly Cuban men slapping down dominoes in the park.

“There was some disappointment, as we hoped that the Rubinoff funding wouldn’t have to fall on the residents of 303,” Women’s Lax representative  Carmen Bouval said. “But we made important inroads regarding playlist domain rights, so we’re satisfied.”

A deal between between Men’s Soccer and Women’s Field Hockey fell through in the 11th hour when Soccer refused to budge on their proposed theme of “Natty Champs and Natty Lights”. The teams pushed through a stop-gap measure which would allow them to enter each other’s suites, but not with intent to rage.

In an obstructionist move, the Track Team has demanded to see the full form birth certificates of all the members of the Men’s Hockey Team to ensure they weren’t UMass students seeking to sabotage the party from the inside. Ronald McArthy, Track captain and known demagogue, claimed that UMass mutineers were seeking to destroy Amherst’s party from the inside, and planned to exclude the entire population based on their choice of school.

Women’s Crew has circulated a rider memorandum stating emphatically that they will only consider mixing if: “1) once they arrive, no boy will be allowed in the bathroom; 2) haircuts will only be taken in the northeast corner of the suite; 3) nobody else wears my fucking dress.”

This all came after the extended negotiations with a third party, the Amherst administration, which went unrecognized under the Socials compact of 1974, led to the creation of alternate events for overflow of refugees from bad pregames. They hoped to limit the police activity on campus, with memories of the Yuletide Shakedown of 2014 fresh in their minds.

Despite the strained tone of the deliberations, the teams’ bivarsity agreement will stand as a testament to the will of those who are willing to put aside their myriad differences for the common purpose of getting super fucked up.


A a buxom young Muckrake reporter has been found passed out in a pool of minty vomit near the train tracks. Foul play is suspected.